My roadtrip to Utah began with 22 hours in a van with my father-in-law and sister-in-law. (Richard stayed behind to work). We arrived in Utah about noon on Thursday and proceeded to campus for my sister-in-law’s college visit. We slept Thursday night at my sister’s on an air mattress. My father-in-law slept the night in the van. I don’t know where, really. Wal-mart parking lot? I only know he disappeared rapidly after slinging out our pillows and toothbrushes, and was disturbingly vague when he reappeared the next morning. Friday we also spent on various campus activities, and left Friday evening at 9 for another 22 hours in the van back home. After just 36 hours in Utah.
Aside from disturbing implications about our sanity, the trip also highlighted interesting behavioral conditioning, as it relates to public bathrooms. Of which I saw a great many. What I found fascinating was that I apparently feel there is a correct way to enter a bathroom stall. At the very least, I do it the same way, every time, with unthinking regularity. Well, previously unthinking. Now that I have analyzed it, the unthinking element has been lost forever.
How to Enter a Public Bathroom Stall Correctly:
1. Always avoid the middle stall, or stalls. Statistically, these see the most frequent use, so choose end stalls first. Using your right hand, push the bathroom stall open. Be prepared to stop rapidly and avert your gaze should any startled protestations arise from within.
2. If the stall reveals itself to be untenanted, continue pushing with your right hand on the door, and take a quick half-step partially into the stall. You need to make sure you are not too far in to swing a quick 180 in retreat, should the toilet be in an undesirable condition.
3. Rapidly check the toilet seat for drops and dribbles of unidentifiable (Or worse! Identifiable!) liquids, and the toilet bowl for remainders. Always retreat if toilet is in undesirable condition, as any person too stupid or careless to work a public toilet correctly is also probably too mentally deficient to cleanse themselves properly.
4. Repeat steps 1-3 as many times as necessary. Rarely will the first try be successful. I emphasize the importance of only one small step taking you partially into the stall, so as to limit your exposure to undesirable visuals. This also facilitates a faster retreat and stall door closure.
5. After identifying a satisfactory toilet, complete your second step into the stall, and reverse another 180 to face the door. Before unfastening anything, check to make sure the stall door latches properly. (Attempting to hold it closed while simultaneously finishing your business is rarely successful). Then check to make sure there is sufficient toilet paper in the dispenser.
6. If all is in order, proceed with your business. (I previously have lined the seats with toilet paper. Then I went to China. Where I couldn’t. I figure if I didn’t catch anything horrifically dire there, the chances of it happening here are fairly rare.) When you are finished, exit the stall and wash your hands thoroughly. Do NOT leave the toilet in an unsatisfactory condition as specified above.
**Warning, failure to complete these steps in case of extremely urgent calls of nature will always, always be regretted. It is the advice of this author that you do your best to ensure things never reach the crisis stage when relying on public bathrooms.
